The phenomenon of being talked at

It’s not enough to sit and think about this now, as you’re reading this. You must remember to do so in the moment.

If you want to have better conversations, you need to be talking with the purpose of enjoying the dynamic with your partner!

Too many people simply begin talking at another person. Once you start to notice it, you see it everywhere. Why in fact are you talking? …to be heard? …to vent? …to show off? …to impress? …to work out your thinking? I suppose there’s a time and place for those. People do not generally enjoy being on the receiving end of all that.

But one habit threatens to sink cooperation perhaps more than any other: the phenomenon of being talked at. We often defer to experts, acknowledging their greater or special life experience. But being talked at is different: it’s belittling. It treats the listener as an acolyte instead of a conversant.

~ Stephanie Ross, from How do good conversations work?

“Talking at” our partner happens for two reasons: You are afraid of being misunderstood and judged, or you are being narcissistic. The fix is to ask yourself: Why am I talking?

The hard part is to remember to ask this question while you are talking. But you must. Literally, as words are coming out of your mouth, think: Why am I speaking these words?

It’s not enough to sit and think about this now, as you’re reading this. You must remember to do so in the moment.

Think: “Why am I speaking these words?”

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