What intention might you try setting for your next conversation?

I don’t simply day-dream about my intentions when it’s convenient. I consider different intentions, choose explicitly, and then work to carry that intention into a conversation.

Our urge to hide influences us in subtle ways. If we feel we can’t control another’s thinking (in truth we can’t, and we know we can’t) then our instinct may be to hide. This can appear as body language, and it can affect the thoughts we have.

If I’m used to trying to control how others see me, that will shape the spontaneous thoughts I have in a conversation. This manifests as nervous chatter, filler words (where we make noises to signal that we’re not done talking, even though we can’t speak coherently in the moment) and the urge to provide lots of context. All of these behaviors are attempts to control what another person is thinking.

Angie Flynn-McIver put it this way in an article on her site, Ignite: Coaching, Speaking, and Presenting at https://www.ignitecsp.com/blog/when-were-in-the-spotlight-it-can-make-us-want-to-hide/ :

I think this shift happened when the dynamic in our talk changed from two people chatting and finding common ground to an area where she felt like she needed to “sell herself.” I see this happen a lot when we work with clients who are practicing how to express their value, how to explain what they do, or explicitly making a case for a job, promotion, or raise. It can be extremely uncomfortable to feel like the person listening to you is assessing or even judging you, so it makes sense that our instinct is to hide, to obscure ourselves a bit.

Flynn-McIver’s coaching has shown me the importance of thinking about my intentions. I don’t simply day-dream about my intentions when it’s convenient. Rather, I consider different intentions, choose explicitly, and then work to carry that intention into a conversation. It’s not easy.

For me, the first step is to decide that I want to be generous in a conversation. What I want is a great experience—in particular an experience which broadens my perspective. I know that the best way to get those experiences is to go into conversations with a posture that is open to wherever the conversation leads.

What intention might you try setting for your next conversation?

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