Posts
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Without purpose or agenda
Choosing a direction towards what you don’t know We want to avoid being drawn toward what we understand. In that direction lies the temptation to summarize and finish. In a conversation we can feel the urge to have a purpose in the form of a goal we are trying to reach, and we can feel… More →
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Roles
An actions-based perspective When something feels off, we can consider which roles are present in the moment. Am I being a mover, and my guest a follower? Or are they perhaps being an opposer? During a conversation we sometimes sense that it could be better. We might be aware that we are confused, disappointed, or… More →
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Having an open posture
What intention might you try setting for your next conversation? I don’t simply day-dream about my intentions when it’s convenient. I consider different intentions, choose explicitly, and then work to carry that intention into a conversation. Our urge to hide influences us in subtle ways. If we feel we can’t control another’s thinking (in truth… More →
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The resources of others
In conversation we can help others be their best selves Focusing on these small things frees me from trying to imagine what is the big picture we’re creating. There are so many things we could pursue in any conversation: Learning, discovery, helping our partner, even fame. So it’s wise to pick something to use as… More →
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Being genuine
Releasing preconceptions can lead to delight. We have little chance of being creative if we know, or think we know, where things are headed. In conversation we find tension within ourselves from our competing desires to lead and to follow. For genuine connection to develop, we must release our preconceptions of who the other person… More →
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The power of vistas
Encountering vistas changes us. “What do we want to create together?” presents a vista. We figuratively stand here and now with our partner, and we look forward to the future. Physically encountering vistas changes us. We shift the direction we are facing, and at what distance our eyes are focused. We take a deep breath,… More →
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Generous silence
Silence can be an active process of giving. When we choose silence, we’re giving the other person our own time to process their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without feeling rushed or judged. Silence is not simply waiting to speak; it can be an active process of giving. There is so much that can be conveyed… More →
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Normal conversations too
Getting better at conversation is not just for special conversations. My goal is simply to make every conversation I have better than yesteryear-me would have done with it. To improve, we have to decide first how we’d like our conversations to be different. Improving our (and those we converse with’s) sense of connection is a… More →
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Profound silence
How do we decide which silences to fill? We should sit with the silence for a few beats when we find ourselves admiring something profound. Profound silence is too rare. It’s important to understand what’s appearing in our conversation as it happens. We can have a flow of thought between us, or we can have… More →
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We are the other
We each live our lives looking out from behind our own eyes. To each of our conversation partners though, we are an unknown. We are like everyone else they have ever encountered. We are the Other Person. Recognizing our status as a full-time Other Person could certainly help us be more humble and more aware… More →